Jewish Women’s Network
Bereavement
Booklet for Jewish Women.
Page
No.
Introduction
· Why write this
booklet?
· Acknowledgements
Emotional
Responses to Bereavement
· Looking after
your own emotions when grieving
· Supporting a
grieving person
· Supporting a
dying person
· Meeting your
own needs when in a supportive role
· Unresolved
family issues
From Death
to Burial
· Practical information
· Aninut
· Chevra
Kaddisha
· Keriah
· Funeral
· Burial
· Cremation
Kaddish,
Shiva & Yahrzeit
· Kaddish
· Sheloshim
· Shiva
· Stone setting
· Yahrzeit
Difficult
Bereavement Issues Raised by Women at JWN Workshops
· Loss of a
child
· Miscarriage,
stillbirth & abortion
· When children
are bereaved
· Children of
Holocaust survivors
· Suicide
· Non Jewish
partners / family members
· Creating our
own rituals
Resources
· Reading
material
· Jewish &
non-Jewish organisations
INTRODUCTION
Why write
this booklet?
The Jewish Women’s Network (JWN) held a national
conference in response to the publication of the ‘Women in the Jewish Community
Review’ (1994). This gave women an opportunity to discuss issues which arose
from the publication. Some of the
recommendations centred on mourning and bereavement, and our confernce provided
a safe place for women to talk about their experiences and concerns. It became apparent that women often felt
invisible and unable to actively participate in the mourning rituals. Some even said this affected their ability
to complete the grieving process.
(When we use the term ‘mourners’ here, we are referring
to anyone who has been bereaved - those who feel sorrow when a person dies, as
well as those who are bound to keep the rules and practices of Jewish mourning
according to tradition.)
The ‘Women in the Jewish Community Review and
Recommendations’, paragraph B7.1 reads: “Guidelines on women’s participation in
religious observance, such as the saying of
Kaddish. Where this is not
possible, special emphasis should be paid to the need for women suffering
bereavement to have available other and equivalent modes of religious
expression”. Some women across the spectrum read this paragraph to mean that we
should ask for guidance from the Rabbis; others believed we should be taking
our own initiative. Choices will often
be made according to our specific affiliations: religious through to secular.
In the light of the above, the Jewish Women’s Network
then provided a series of Bereavement Workshops where a wide range of issues
were discussed. We recognised the need for more knowledge specifically for
Jewish women, including information and support as well as spiritual and
practical guidance. As a result we decided to produce a booklet, exploratory in
it’s nature, with the aim of moving things forward for Jewish women. We welcome
further discussion, which no doubt will take place.
This booklet, although very comprehensive, does not
claim to be authoritative, or to be the definitive word. Our aim is to respond
to specific requests for information on issues such as Shiva and funerals. We
hope this will be a step towards developing ongoing communal education which
also meets women’s needs. JWN’s objective is to reach Jewish women across the
spectrum, both religious and secular. Historically, it has been the province
of men in the Jewish community to
actively arrange and participate in bereavement rituals. Hopefully, this
booklet will give women increased awareness. It should also give them
confidence to approach this often daunting aspect of our lives before they are
in what is often a stressful and emotionally vulnerable situation. Women who
wish to can then more actively participate in the continuity of the Jewish
people from generation to generation.
Writing this booklet has been an immensely satisfying,
and often challenging experience. At times we commented: “we have embarked upon
a journey without a map”. We repeatedly
asked ourselves whether we were succeeding in including women across the
spectrum. This was especially so when we consulted on the customs or practices
of different sections of the community and were frequently told: “it depends on
who you ask”. Even at its completion we are uncertain as to whether we have
succeeded in maintaining a balance in writing about this sensitive issue. No
doubt readers will have their views. We look forward to continuing the debate
together. The Network is, after all, about creating a place for women to
debate, learn from one another and act more effectively as a result.
Acknowledgements.
The JWN would very much like to appreciate Vicky Grosser
and Estelle Pearlman, who did the majority of work in putting this booklet together.
They were ably assisted by Mildred Levison. Sharon Lee, Hilary Nissenbaum and
Hana Schlesinger took the lead in setting up the early JWN workshops on
bereavement, and made many crucial contacts for this publication. Rabbi Sheila
Shulman assisted us with learned content. Gail Pearce and Miriam Greenwood
contributed to the layout and style, and Oriole Newgass designed the cover for
the booklet. The JWN would also like to thank all members of the JWN Working
Group who read several drafts; and in particular the many women who
participated in our workshops and contributed their personal experiences which
make this booklet so genuine.
Emotional Responses to Bereavement
This section includes:-
· Looking after your own emotions when
grieving
· Supporting a grieving person
· Supporting a dying person
· Meeting your own needs when in a supportive
role
· Unresolved family issues
Looking
after your own emotions when grieving.
Emotional responses to bereavement may differ
enormously. They depend on numerous circumstances including how close we were
to the deceased, what else is going on in our lives and the levels of support
we receive.
During some of our workshops on bereavement we asked how
each woman can get her emotional needs met. Some spoke about their feelings
after a bereavement, whilst others spoke of their distress at living with a
relative with a long-term illness such as Alzheimer’s.
It became clear that for some women in the past
practical events had overtaken their emotions at first. Decisions about, for example, whether or not
they wished to participate in traditional Jewish mourning rituals such as
saying Kaddish often got in the way of emotions. In addition, many women found
they were supporting others during the death of a close relative or friend, and
so it became hard to get their own needs met.
For women living along-side a relative or friend with a
long-term illness, strong feelings of loss may arise long before they die, as
expressed in this poem by Leah Thorn.
Enduring Power
Be strong in the honour of
your father and do not leave him all the days of your life. Even if he loses
sense, let him do all that he wishes and do not shame him all the days of his
life. Ben Sira
[3:12-13]
remember by recital by ritual
remember zakhar a sacred command
remember one hundred and sixty
nine times
remember talmudic dictum
remember ache in commemoration
remember the secret of relief is
remembrance
I am the keeper
of my father’s memory
I have learnt him
by heart I
steal
enduring power of attorney
of his words, gather fractures
as he forgets
what he has forgotten
my father is a funny man I’d die of fright if I wasn’t buried
correctly, the Jewish way my
father is a poet I’m going to see where quarter to two is he is newly articulate it doesn’t look like a row crowd I follow the snail tail of his words leave a polite amount of time [though not
always] then seize a pen catch him
catch my father in flight in exodus
food flies as he
eats and my father
wears a wraparound pinny
I’ve never seen one of these before
he struggles with loops and strings
and I offer to tie a bow at his waist
you can do that? he is incredulous
you know how to do that?
I may remember I don’t want to remember
anything I may notice I don’t want to notice anything I will keep busy, a positive busy,
something to do during the jerky fracture of my father’s life mind a memorial to him, a more lasting
obituary than three lines in the expensive columns of the Jewish Chronicle I will keep him alive I will let him go
my father holds his head holding
tight to what’s left
you’ve made a hole in my head mourning what
has died
a daily shiva a daily
kaddish a minyan without the
required number of men
I am the
tailor’s daughter who cannot find the thread
I must
bind my parents overlock them together
but my
needles break threads break stitches skip
stitches
loop material puckers I check upper tension
is not too tight
my father jungle-hacks through jumbled thoughts wills me in
and at moments of
connection, eyes wet, he smiles
squeezes my hand
I imprint his jangles into my brain
magpie his phrases to savour him later
once
you were my magician
now frantic
I perform tricks
to magic you
back
crack a gold line in two lean
forward till you are off balance
expect to be caught I am here
daddy remember
by Leah Thorn
In discussions in preparing this booklet we were in agreement
that in reality emotions don’t come in neat packages. Kubler-Ross suggests that
denial is a common first response, sometimes followed by anger (including at
the person who has died). Some people experience depression. And all of these
emotions can precede a final acceptance of the loss.
Women may express their emotions in varying ways. It is
common for mourners to cry after a death and others may be able to accept this
as a suitable expression of emotion. However some people may laugh loudly (a common
response to fear or tension). How many of us would feel this was an appropriate
response? Women need to feel that they have space to express emotions as they
arise.
‘Began To Cry’
I knew that she was dead somehow
we were sat
but with a copper at the door inside
the gloomy room
I knew it once again the
law and I
I
didn’t want to but
behind his blue head he
said I should I think
market carts rumbled he
thought that I would faint
Portobello fruit like artwork
vegetables agog with later,
Lily took to following
their own aplomb me
I couldn’t get away
round
my legs, on my lap
the mucky yellow wall purring
in my ear
to wall sticking and
then I realised
to my shoes in sympathy
the basement ceiling in
some mysterious way
leaning low she
knew about it all and she
to whisper consolations was
looking after me, I
in my ear was
her kitten, the one
she’d
never had, and then
I
began to cry.
by Berta Freistadt
Supporting a
grieving person.
Supporting a grieving person needs some flexibility in
accepting the emotions as they arise, including how they are expressed.
If the emotions experienced by a grieving person are
hard for them to accept, or they are having difficulty focusing on their life
after a period of time, then counselling or support may be very beneficial. At
the end of this booklet we have included a list of agencies and reading
materials which women have found helpful in responding to the emotional side of
bereavement.
Supporting
a Dying Person.
Another area of emotional need which arose in our JWN
workshops was the reality for some women of not only physically supporting
someone with a terminal illness, but listening to their emotional fears and
concerns. There are many unpredictable aspects to illnesses, such as terminal
cancer. These can lead to many physical demands in the care required by the
dying person, and a need for flexibility of response to their emotional needs.
My Uncle was a very undemonstrative man all his life. At
82 years, on his deathbed he put his hands out and held onto me. I was very
moved, but it made me think of so many missed opportunities.
We should make ourselves available not just emotionally
and intellectually but physically, so that we can embrace.
Esther
Meeting
your own needs when in a supportive role.
Understandably the emotional needs of the carer can be
neglected. If you are in this situation, it may well be useful to get others to
assist you to think about how you will get your own emotional needs met.
When we have “best friends” in early adolescence, we
assume these special relationships will last forever. Most times we form new alliances as we change and develop, but
very occasionally such relationships last and grow into close lifelong friendships.
I was fortunate to have such a special friend for over
fifty years, and we shared so much history.
When she died very suddenly I was totally devastated. I had not had a chance to say goodbye as only
immediate family were allowed to visit in the hospital. My role at the funeral and in the weeks
afterwards was to offer comfort to the family.
Although I was glad to do that I felt that my own family and friends did
not acknowledge my very deep sense of loss and that I was also in mourning.
Rose
Conway
I went overseas to be with my Uncle who was dying of
cancer. I was pleased to go with him to treatments, to rest with him, and to
help him to take care of himself.
A friend helped me notice that I could do this best by
also caring for myself. In between hospital visits and other appointments I
would play hard with my young cousins, go and swim, and treat myself to some
new clothes (I’m not usually much of a shopper).
Rebecca
Unresolved
family issues.
It is useful to remember that members of the same family
may have different responses to the bereavement. The actual loss can also
highlight previously unresolved family conflicts. The shared act of grieving
may assist with overcoming them. On the other hand rifts may continue or even
worsen. This may add an additional set of painful emotions to those of the
bereavement, both for the direct mourners and others such as extended family
and friends. We thought it important to refer to these feelings, as we heard a
number of women refer to them in our workshops.
My mother died as autumn changed into winter. Her
passing meant that she would never abuse me again. It was over. For months I
sat in the corner of the settee watching TV and waiting to die. Later on, I
found a photo of her as a teenager dancing, and then a second one of us
together in her last year when we had become friends. These two photographs
started my healing process. I was cut out of the Will because I had spoken our
family secrets aloud. But I am still her daughter ….progress is erratic and
sometimes painful but I am getting there.
Ruth
From Death to Burial.
This section includes the following:-
· Practical information
· Aninut
· Chevra Kaddisha
· Keriah
· Funeral
· Burial
· Cremation
Practical
Information.
According to Jewish law a funeral should take place as
soon as possible after a death. However, this cannot be done until the death has
been registered according to English law. The deceased’s Synagogue (if they are
a member of one) and relevant Burial Society must be contacted. Jewish Burial
Society’s may be contacted direct if the deceased did not belong to a
Synagogue, and they will require proof of the deceased’s Jewish identity. The
following should be adequate:-
· proof of past Synagogue membership
· Ketubah (marriage certificate)
· parents’ Ketubah
· proof that the deceased’s mother is
buried in a Jewish cemetery.
a) Registration of a death
The registration of the death must take place at the
Register Office in the area where the death occurred (not the place where the
person lived, unless he or she died at home). The medical certificate issued by the hospital doctor, or the doctor
who attended the deceased if she or he died at home, is taken to the registrar
of Births, Marriages and Deaths. Three certificates are required:
· a ‘green certificate’ for the Burial
Society or funeral directors
· a ‘Death Certificate’
· a ‘white certificate’ - this is for
national insurance purposes.
The Registrar will require basic information about the
deceased, including their Birth certificate. If you do not have all the
necessary information the Registrar may allow the burial to proceed if he or
she knows it is for religious reasons.
For information about Jewish Burial Societies see the
resources list at the back of the booklet.
Aninut.
Aninut is the period between death and burial.
It literally means ‘mourning’.
Traditionally, burial has been left to men to organise
and perform . Women may choose to be involved, or have access to involvement,
in different ways. In the ‘Women in the Jewish Community’ Review and
Recommendations, central orthodox women are quoted. “Over and over again, women
expressed the need to mourn publicly - ‘like the men’.” For example, “they felt
angry at being asked to leave the room during prayers at a Shiva House....”
(p.73). Two thirds of women interviewed endorsed the view that women should be
able to say Kaddish at a funeral, Shiva or during the year of mourning......”
(P.93 WITC ‘Survey Report’)
Practices appear to differ throughout the country, but
many women, at our JWN seminars, expressed very strong concerns about what they
experienced as the exclusion of women. There is a great deal of material
available to read concerning traditional Jewish practices of mourning, but they
often assume the reader is male. We therefore endeavour to provide a focus on
women in the following.
Chevra
Kaddisha.
Jewish tradition requires that a body is accompanied at
all times, as a sign of respect.
Mum died at around 4.30am on the first day of Chol Hamoed Succot with all
her immediate family around her. My eldest brother immediately took over and
did all the things required with regard to covering the body and placing her
feet-first toward the door. At this point the body was not allowed to be left
alone and here I was struck by the equality between women and men -
any of us were allowed the honour of being with my mother and saying the
Tehillim - a man did not need to be involved in this important Mitzvah.
Sam
Cohen
The Chevra
Kaddisha (sacred fellowship) can offer a number of rituals, including Shmira: (guarding of the body). Taharah (the ritual cleansing of the
body) is the main role of the Chevra Kaddisha. This “ceremonial washing,
dressing in shrouds, and placing the body into the coffin..... is the ultimate
expression of respect for the physical person.”. Women attend to the bodies of
women, and men to the bodies of men, but family members / close friends are not
expected to attend to the body of those close to them.
Michelle E. Friedman writes in ‘Lilith’ magazine (‘Ties
that Bind’ April, 2000): “The procedure is a supremely respectful one. The mais (the body) is kept covered at all
times. We make a drape of sheets, before cutting off the hospital gown. Next,
we remove all stigmata of final illness, indignity or unnatural intervention.
The body will be returned to nature, delivered to the ground, without bandages
or catheters. We, in the women’s chevra,
frequently perform half manicures, taking off chipped nail polish and swabbing
grime from beneath stiffened finger nails. We do not pass materials over the mais - all necessary items are handed
around the side of the table. This body once housed a living spirit and our
ritual honours that sanctity.”
This custom is not practised everywhere. If there is a
Chevra Kaddisha in your community, the Burial Society or Rabbi will be able to
help you locate it. Re-claiming of Chevra Kaddisha in Reform communities has
been happening for some years, with several already having them in place and
others considering introducing them.
Keriah /
Keri’ah.
This is a traditional expression of grief - the
tearingof their clothes by the mourner before the funeral service. It is an
outward sign of grief and an acceptance of death.
Erlene Wahlhaus, in her paper ‘The Psychological
Benefits of the Traditional Jewish Mourning Rituals’, writes: “it is the first
symbolic expression of grief by the mourner of the shock and rupture of death.
It is a cathartic experience, a violent gesture, to cut and rip a piece of
clothing. It is an external statement of the inner feeling of being torn apart.
It shows the mourners wound to the world, a visible tear which mirrors the
inner tear which can never be repaired. It is a moving and symbolic gesture, an
acknowledgement of the loss and separation. The psychological benefit here is
in the cathartic expression and externalisation of the wound. It prevents
self-inflicted damage. Keriah
provides an antidote to the initial defences of numbness and denial. Some
consider Keriah too provocative,
others may consider it an inappropriate and distressing expression of grief
(Rabbi Jonathan A. Romain: ‘Faith & Practice: A Guide to Reform Judaism
Today’) and still others consider it barbaric and superstitious. For some,
grief may be a very private expression, and they have ‘little need of
externally imposed forms’ (Rabbis John D. Rayner & Bernard Hooker: ‘Judaism
for Today: an Ancient Faith with a Modern Message’) of expression.”
I was raised in the Orthodox tradition, but for many
years prior to my fathers death had been very active in the Reform movement. When
he died, the tradition of Keriah gave
me an opportunity to express in a practical and obvious way some of my grief.
Esther
For further information about cutting Keriah you might like to read: ‘The Jewish Mourners Handbook’ (see
resources pages at the back of the booklet).
The Funeral.
Levoyah means “to accompany” and is the
Hebrew word for funeral. In Saying
Kaddish Anita Diamant writes “until modern times, most funeral services were
conducted in the family home, a practice that is now rare”. Today there are a
number of options, the funeral service can be held in the Ohel (Prayer Hall) or chapel, or beside the grave.
Funerals are not, according to Jewish law, permitted on
Shabbath or Holy Days. This is because these days are primarily for joy, and
not for sadness.
Each of the Jewish groupings in England have a fixed
funeral service, although they are fairly similar to each other. In general,
the officiating Rabbi will read a selection of the Book of Psalms. Then the hesped
(eulogy) is delivered. It is a speech or piece of writing about the
deceased which is said either by a family member or the officiating Rabbi on
their behalf. Finally, the El Malei Rachamim (memorial prayer) is
recited.
Rabbi Sheila Shulman: “a fairly typical example of a
Reform burial service would be that the service up to and including the hesped would be held in the Ohel (tent) or chapel. Then everyone
follows the coffin to the grave, and the service, depending on the weather will
either be said at the graveside, or everyone will return to the Ohel for final prayers or Kaddish”.
Progressive funeral services may add music or poetry to
the fixed service.
When the women are left at home.
The women in my family never went to funerals. We went
to the House of Mourning, prepared the food and waited patiently for the men to
return. When my father died I was expected to stay with my Mother and her
sisters and my tentative suggestion that I might go to the grounds with the men
was greeted with horror. The two hours we sat there were the longest ever. I
tried to envisage what was happening and at what time my father would be put in
the ground. Because I have never attended a funeral I had no idea of the ritual
of burial.
For many months after I was haunted by the memory of
seeing my father's coffin go out of the door with no sense of where it had been
laid to rest. Eventually I went with a close friend to the grounds and stood by
that sad heap of earth. Although it was very painful to face the reality of
burial it also helped me to move on and begin to confront my father's death. It
also left me determined in future to take an active part in the funeral. It was
an essential part of the process of grieving.
Janet Cohen
The religious hesped
may be the norm. However some secular Jews may choose a hesped which specifically
does not put the emphasis on religion or God.
‘A Tribute to EF’ reads: “So a picture emerges of an
active, energetic woman, determined to engage fully with life and to enjoy it,
facing steadily outward into the world. It seemed her way of loving was to be,
and to do, to briskly cheer people on, rather than to respond with the resonant
empathy that might have come from a more contemplative person. ....That ability
to make someone feel better, more alive, just by being who we are, is a large
part of what it means in my tradition to live as if we were truly made in the
image of God. So let’s keep in mind, now, that she lived a loving life, and a
long, full one. May she now be gathered into the bundle of life.”
Burial.
In addition to Kaddish
a prayer is traditionally said at the graveside: Tzidduk Hadin (acceptance of God’s judgement).
In Orthodoxy the chief male mourners traditionally
shovel three spadesful of soil back into the grave. However, it is not unknown
for Orthodox women to choose to participate in this ritual.
My mother was buried at the Adas Yisroel cemetery in Cheshunt at 4pm that
day. The Adas has never really liked women to come to the cemetery at all; this
is made fairly clear by the sign in the hall which tells women to cover their
heads and not to talk. The inequalities of the funeral started just before the
pall-bearers wheeled my mother’s coffin out of the hall: the Rabbi announced
that the coffin would be followed by the male mourners, then all the other men,
then the female mourners and then the rest of the women. This meant that my maternal grandmother, sister,
maternal aunt and myself were way behind the male mourners during the walk to
the graveside and therefore did not see the coffin go into the ground. If it
had not been for my amazingly strong grandmother, I would not have been allowed
to undertake the important act of throwing earth onto the coffin. My grandma
just pushed through the men and told the Rabbi she was going to throw earth on
her daughter’s coffin; the Rabbi did not dare contradict an 87 year-old woman
who had just lost her daughter. Only once she had done this did other women,
including me and my sister, dare to step forward to throw earth too.
Sam
Cohen
‘Breaking Glass’
Against the gathering crowd
of backs
I hear the dreadful sound
of earth
on wood. Knock knocking on
that solid
door. Knock knocking to see
if you
are there. The worm winds
slowly round
of people in their sober
best.
This final act to say
farewell
as earth flies soft,
complicit, deep
I cannot do. I stand and
weep.
by Berta Freistadt
There is much excellent material about Jewish funerals
on Internet Web-sites. One which you
might like to visit is:
‘jewishfunerals.com/mourning.html’.
Cremation.
Traditional Jewish practice is internment. There is a Halachic (Jewish law) prohibition
against cremation. However, Progressive authorities declare that so long as the
human remains are placed in contact with the earth the actual mode of burial is
merely a matter of custom rather than law” (RSGB pamphlet on ‘Cremation’.)
A decision about cremation as opposed to burial will
generally depend on the wishes (if known) of the deceased. You will find many
materials referred to at the back of this booklet useful to read in relation to
burial and cremation.
Kaddish, Shiva & Yahrzeit.
This section includes the following:-
· Kaddish
· Sheloshim
· Shiva
· Stone setting
· Yahrzeit
Kaddish.
Anita Diamant tells us in ‘Saying Kaddish’ that Kaddish (the traditional Aramaic prayer
for the dead) is in effect “a self-contained miniature service”. She continues:
the traditional “requirement of a minyan (men only...) for Kaddish also turns
the prayer into a communalising force, keeping the mourner among the living -
both literally and metaphorically. Indeed the power of Kaddish comes, in large measure, from the consolations of being in
a group that recognises and embraces the bereaved”.
It may be for this very reason that in the seminars
which JWN has held over past years on bereavement, the saying of Kaddish was
one which caused much concern to women.
Many said that being excluded from this ritual had been very distressing
to them. Some even said they thought it
had blocked their grieving. Yet, other
women said that they did not feel a personal need to say Kaddish but had
experienced what they called exploitation from men who said it on their behalf
e.g., one woman was very angry about having to pay a man to say Kaddish for
her.
“In the late 17th Century, Rabbi Yair Bakharkh (Responsa Havvot Ya’ir, number 222) dealt
with a case of a man in Amsterdam who died leaving only daughters and asked
that a special minyan be set up to
enable them to say Kaddish. The scholars and lay officials did not prevent them
from doing so. Rabbi Bakhrakh conceded that “there is no proof to contradict
the matter,” agreeing that the daughters Kaddish brings nahat ruah (repose) to the deceased, that women participate in the
mitzvah of kiddush haShem, and that
Kaddish could be said because a minyan of men is present. But in the final
analysis he would not allow her to say Kaddish, for he feared that such an
innovation might weaken allegiance to existing Jewish customs...... There is no attempt made to suggest
that the halachah dictates forbidding
the woman to say Kaddish. On the contrary, Rabbi Bakhrakh rules that despite
the apparent permissibility of her doing so, he must forbid it because he fears
the negative impact that a permissive ruling might have on the fabric of his
community”
The Halachic legitimacy of women saying Kaddish is
unassailable, even if not universally acceptable. Thus, even if a Rabbi feels
that it is in society’s best interest not to allow an orphaned daughter to say
Kaddish, he should make it clear that he knows other poskim (people who make decisions) that hold otherwise. That is the
approach responsible poskim regularly
follow in other areas of Halachah, when answering personal questions.” (Women
& Kaddish: Joel B. Wolowelsky - Journal: Judaism. Pub. American Jewish
Congress, Summer 1995)
In summing up, Halachah does not appear to technically
prevent women from saying Kaddish. However women wishing to do so appear to
provide a threat to existing male status in the community.
The following section does not tell women what they
should or should not do in relation to Kaddish. It does however provide information and give examples of what
some women have done in recent years in relation to it. Hopefully this will
encourage us all to think about what choices we would like to make for the
future.
My father died when I was 16 and my sister was 12. I felt it was up to me to say Kaddish but had no inkling whether this was considered the right thing to do. I set off on the walk to our shul, a United Synagogue in South Africa, full of uncertainty. On the way there a dog jumped out from a garden and bit me. Such was my sense of insecurity